Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
